It's a good thing weight loss wasn't one of my new years resolutions because today I'm eating a lot of my words. A mere few months ago I labelled white pants the feminine version of tanned chinos - in other words, a garment worn primarily by those suckling from their trust funds. However like all outspoken, attention hungry jokesters I've seen the error of my ways and am taking back an opinion I once expressed for laughs.
Upon stumbling on a pair of $3 white culottes at Savers yesterday, I realised what I've been missing out on. The pants accommodated both my butt and my chubby tummy so they were an immediate yes. They came in under $5.73 (the amount left in my savings account), so they matched every criterion I could possibly think of.
With $2.73 left in my bank account & a pair of white pants that magically conceal my cellulite, it's time to dream up the endless outfit combinations I'll soon be sporting (when I manage to find a buyer for my left kidney).
1. striped button up & pink loafers
above: Celine striped shirts in cotton and silk
If you'd shown me a photo of pink loafers this time last year, I would have laughed at how garishly ghastly they were. However upon broadening my fashionista horizons I've found that pink loafers, such as the ones below, can add an element of childish fun & regal-like class to almost any outfit.
The Prada loafers in particular inspired me to pair pink hues with baby blues.
Black turtlenecks are the number one staple in my wardrobe. At any given time I'll brag about their eternal timelessness and utter versatility to anyone that will listen. Given my absolute passion for them and my previous musings about their wondrous ways (found here and here) I feel there is little that needs to be said about them in this article.
3. white graphic tee & sneakers
I absolutely adore an all white outfit combo for full cult leader aesthetics. Whenever I'm sporting white pants with a white top I appropriately feel like the second coming of Christ. Though you'll never find me within a mile of a born-again church, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be sporting this colour-blocked cultish combination all year long.
4. dark high neck tee & black sneakers
Holy moly I wish chunky-ass ozweego-esque black sneakers had come into fashion five years ago. Better yet, I wish I'd had the insight that they'd been in vogue in 2018. If only I'd known, I wouldn't have sent my chunky asiscs school sports shoes to the nearest op shop immediately upon high school graduation. Ah well, the beauty of hindsight aye.
My favourite thing about this incredibly preppy get-up in that you can convince yourself you're a trust fund baby rebelling against your wealthy family for the lols. When in reality, you're not living that povo life for a rebellious social experiment, but as the result of an unfortunately dealt hand in this crappy capitalist society.
It's been proven that mediocre children from wealthy families are presented more opportunities than brilliant children from poor families. If you disguise yourself in this trust fund guzzling get-up perhaps you can fool the elite upper middle class into granting you some nepotistic favours.